Saturday, July 12, 2014

All is well with my soul.

When I reflect back on the past several years, I think of where I started and where I am now. And lets be clear, I'm in a good place! It was a long road. A road I had to figure out how to go down on my own. It's a continuous journey on this particular road of life. When something tragic happens in your life, it consumes you. Your complete being. Your every waking thought. It affects your soul. It can take a toll on you in every way. Physically and emotionally.
For me, about 3 years ago, after one phone call, my life changed instantly. I was an emotional mess from every angle. I woke up crying, and fell asleep crying. Puffy eyes began to look normal. Let me tell you, I prayed hard. I felt pity, I felt shame, I felt sympathetic, I felt anger, I felt betrayal. Looking back now, I don't think there was an emotion that I didn't feel at one point or another. Through all of this, I have learned a lot. One thing I've  learned is that people don't always know what to say to others who suffer a tragic time in their life. And that's okay. We have to except others for who they are. Not necessarily for them, but for us. Which brings me to this:

In my late twenties, I struggled with being me. "Who am I?"  "What do I want in life?" "What do I want to be?" Don't we all go through that at some point in our life? I think most do. My "life's purpose" was a big question for me to answer. Because, honestly, I had no idea where to start. Nothing really felt like 'home'. A new marriage, a new city, an instant step-child to nurture, and few friends in this new chapter of my life. I was, and still am, blessed to be married to an amazing man. And for that, I am grateful. But I struggled with feeling lost. I guess time and patience helped with that. Growing. Learning. Figuring things out. Soul searching. It all takes time. Sometimes, I found myself in uncomfortable situations of not feeling like I fit in. Not dressed the way others were, etc. Even periods of trying to be somebody that I was not. Finally, I had had enough! I was done. My realization; I am me. I like what I like and I am who I am. Love me or leave me. You decide. From that moment on, I began to grow comfortable in my own skin. I fell in love with me. I finally felt free of judgement. Oh, I know people still judge us all. But, the difference was that I didn't care anymore. What people think of me is none of my business. What freedom, friends!!!

After that dreadful phone call, the one that changed my life, I was living in chaos. I was making my life chaos. I was letting the actions of someone else, one person,  affect me so deeply. I was and sometimes, still am, my own worst enemy. I felt like an elephant was sitting on my chest. I felt as if I had to hear one more horn blow or one more baby cry or one more phone ring, that I might possibly, spontaneously combust. No kidding!! I'm pretty sure I was on the edge of a nervous break down. I decided something had to change. I needed a release. That is when I opened myself up to the world of meditation and yoga. As an avid researcher, I taught myself all that I could. Wow!! I needed that! I learned to be still, to be quiet, to be mindful, and best of all, to forgive. I found peace, friends. A peace I'd never felt in my entire life. We take in the sounds of everyday life. Absorb the negative energy. This was and is my release. A way to let it out. Meditation!

With this new found peace and comfort, I was able to forgive myself of past sins, and the sins of others that affected me. With that peace, came more freedom! I realized to forgive someone, it doesn't mean you have to like them. It just means that you forgive their behavior. And then, you simply let it go and let it be. Do it for you.

Nowadays, you can find me gardening, meditating, hanging out with my chickens, drinking coffee, spending quality time with my family and friends, or hanging out at the river. I'm at peace. I am mindful of my surroundings. I know what I love and I know what I want. But most of all, I know who I am, and all is well with my soul. And I thank God for that everyday!

Sending light and love,
Diane

No comments:

Post a Comment